ME + Photography + Wife

How do people manage the jealously from the other wheel in the relationship?


Cheers,
RF.

PS: Talking about the wife's jealousy in case their was confusion on that point. ;-)

PPS: And excluding those solutions that call for the wife to be pack mule too.....

PPPS: And also excluding those lucky enough to share a hobby with their wife or girlfriend.

Richard, very strong point with me... I actually had to divorce. There were, of course, other reasons in there but one for her was my crazed obsession with clicking a shutter. It wasn't bad till people started taking notice. Really, it was just another in the long line of insecurities she had. I have ALWAYS had many, many hobbies that quite honestly don't include a partner. It goes back to me being an only child I guess but it is what it is.

We divorced about 4 years ago and it's been smooth sailing ever since. I have a person in my life now that totally accepts my photography, band (I'm a guitar player) and everything else in my crazed life. It was one of the first things we ever talked about and had many discussions about it in the first year of the relationship. I basically told her 'what you see is what you get'. We do tons of stuff together but there are times where large chunks of hours, days will be dedicated to art. She's totally cool.

The only way you can be happy in a relationship is to find a way to keep a piece of you all for yourself. If she wants to hold you back from it then you're no good to her and your level of inner happiness will just go down the tubes. I'm not saying divorce is the right solution but I can only conclude that we only have a limited number of summers on this rock. Why spend a lot of them tense that the wife is gonna be pissed about you taking a damn picture!

Of course, if you're spending every free minute of your life with photography then you have a problem and you have to really start examining your relationship on a whole other level.

Tricky stuff man. I'm sure others here go through the same thing. It's a wild balance you have to keep and if you can't find it it will lead to long periods and unhappiness.

Dave

Thanks Dave. Just waxing lyrical here. No major points here except for holidays. Now when we take a holiday together, I want to take no camera - but it is too hard. Last time I went on a break I only took my folding medium format and 5 rolls of various 120. In the end that single, slow, nothing fancy, battery less de coupled range finder caused a problem.

My problem is that no matter where I am, I am seeing things like a photographer. Even in a taxi on the way to work each day, I see a scene outside that I go - that would be a great shot, from x angle with y lens and z treatment.

So in normal life I make an effort now to do something that she likes. It all comes down to not doing it 100% of the time. That is fine for normal work days and life. But when I travel with her - it always causes problems.

One of my friends said to her about 6 years ago when we were still dating (just married 5 years now) during a break in a drunken post match rugby party......"Richard has 26 years of Australian male up bringing, you're not going to change him....."

So for many of my Richardisms she is cool. The problem is that I love photography and for some reason put it down 100% for 12-13 years. So when I went to buy a better digicam to capture pics of the puppy and got a D40x - the flood gates were opened and I quickly started making up for my hibernation. This post wedding and post understanding "hobby acquisition" has made her feel as though I have reneged on some contract. Truth be told it was always there - just buried under many years of study and then many more as a sleepless entrepreneur...

For me it is a love Quartet I need to manage, me + photography + wife + kids. I've been into photography for nearly three years now and just about balancing this delicate relationship but it has been a rough ride, especially the first 18 months when I quickly got hooked and obsessional. Thing is with landscapes and many other categories I guess is the amount of time away from home I wanted to dedicate to getting one shot, it couldn't be sustained especially with the time at the computer you need to factor in.
I'm very much better at balancing it now and often accept that some ocassions and days that I can't have the camera with me as time needs to be dedicated towards the family.

JP

Yeah - leaving a camera behind is so hard. I always think, The moment I don;t have one is the moment I walk past a classic shot...

Read on a photo mag recently about a guy who is doing long exposures. Took him hours to come up with 2 or 3 shots. Hence the girlfriend upset of wasted shopping times...

I think the trick is to talk about about it. Really work out what each party feels and why.
Like you Dave, I am divorced ( 4 years ago too ) and now with a new partner. Photography wasn't an issue in the relationship break up, but time on the computer was. . . ( I was obsessive about 3D landscape generation software, virtual landscape photography, where you make the landscape then 'photograph' it. . . sorry JP! I think it was a way of escaping the reality of the failing relationship etc. . )
My new partner is an artist too, so knows about total focus on work and is cool about it because it's what she does too.
Not suggesting you divorce or anything Richard, discussion is the key imho. Then resentments can be nipped in the bud. You have to let go of the 'missed shot' thing and concentrate on how lucky you are to be in a loving relationship ;-)
Easy to say in theory I know ;-)

I like your friend's comment! Truth is you can't change people.

best,
Jon

ps Dave, I play bass, fancy a jam sometime? ;-))

Hey Richard, glad to hear it isn't as painful as my experience was. That's great man. Well, like Jon said, you have to forget about the missed shot. I use to carry a camera with me always. I mean, it never left my side. Then I noticed on holidays all I remembered was taking pictures of Kauai and not much about Kauai at all, accept the great shots I got. From that point on I only take a P&S with me and actually remember the time there not just the pics.

Yeah, I've missed some shots but there's always another one around the corner. :D

Jon, if I'm ever in the UK I'll look you up!!!

Thanks Dave. Yeah, I guess I need to always think in more romantic terms. The world is large and wonderful place with infinite possibilities and millions of "One in a lifetime" shots. A P+S is a good idea. I have an old 2MP CANON IXUS 330 which takes amazingly clean and sharp images. I just got a new battery for it too.

Today I went out with the woman and it was ideal. She wanted to go shopping in some clothes/jewellery place. So in she went and out I went to walk around the Hutongs. Got lost actually. Only shot 7 or 8 frames (trying to get better - many rejections will do that). She finished and rang, I went back, put the lens cap on and then we went and had coffee and did some other errands together.

But like a certain famous Edgar Allen Poe short... the camera seemed to keep humming to me from my side. :-s

I've been in a real grumpy mood the last 2 weeks or so and apart from one maggot polluting my day at the end - it was a nice balance and relaxing too.

I am the lucky one! I can share:-) She is my best model and if she does i would make to my best! :-)))) She loves my pictures! At least one fan i have:-)))))

Robert

Maybe talk to her about the issue, set some kind of boundaries (Example: she will not disturb you when your on photoshoots just as you will not make a photo shoot out of everything), know when to be a photographer and when to be a husband.

Me + Photography + Wife is easy for me so long as I don't point the camera at my wife. She's rarely impressed with her portraits but doesn't mind me photographing other people/things at all.

However my other obsession cycling is much harder to balance with photography :-)

Just don't go and get a World of Warcraft addiction too... ;-)

Maybe your wife also has a interest, you may give room for (and also remember to invest in)?

With regards Soeren

Yeah, tricky one. Unfortunately, photography isn't the only hobby I have that takes up time and money. There are just too many things, that came before the wife of course, but I'm always rediscovering old hobbies because there's no time to keep doing them all. It gets quite tough balancing all that with the wife AND child, but I can't seem to stop. And she is fine with that surprisingly. But I'm not altogether happy, I sometimes regret the time I don't spend with them while I'm busy disconnected from reality, feel a bit guilty, but I think I'm getting to a decent balance. There's just never enough time :) and going out with the wife and child AND trying to take pics does NOT work...however it is usually the only time I can take photos, so I feel my photography gets a bit stunted and I'm constrained because of that. But photography is not my primary hobby, and I'm busy on simulators and racing, of which she is totally cool about...and if I had to dump all my hobbies and keep only one, it would be racing, so I am perfectly happy where things stand.

Oh by the way, the one thing that actually does get her irritated is the amount of time I end up spending online the PC! Sites like these get quite addictive, and I hate that I'm always drawn in. And on that note, I'd better log off now...

Shopping.... oh god how boring it is. Because it isn't actual shopping. It is just looking in shops at things that aren't ever purchased. I feel to indulge in that for one day would be worth 1 year of selfish shooting. ;-)

Didn't notice this thread before...

Jealousy? Never had a problem with that - But my wife is also photography addicted more in front of the camera -
So I'm happy that I'm also not jealous when she shoots with other photographers ;)
But one thing is that we don't work together in photography, that somehow does not really work for us.
But we share much all around the photo matters and it's really wonderful also for the relationship I can tell

You are both blessed and cursed with your photographic sight, live with it and bad news it is permanent. I have been shooting photographs for years now and even though I am through a dry period I seem to check for a nice composition wherever I look or even dream in frames. You wife ought to understand you.

Well, I've been married almost two decades and to some degree my wife is accustomed to my many obsessions. Unlike mountain biking, road biking, hiking drumming, and other pursuits of mine, I think photography is actually easier to combine with marriage and kids. If I go out somewhere to photograph I'll ask my better half if she wants to go for a walk either with me or nearby. I do find it distracting sometimes to have other people with me, but its not an awful compromise. When my kids are doing something that needs our participation (like my son playing in the high school marching band drumline) I'll bring my camera along and combine dad duties and photography. It may not be the subject matter I would choose, but it forces me to sharpen my technical skills. Sometimes it is nice to take some really good snapshots and not feel the pressure of producing some piece of artwork. And, folks are generally very appreciative to have the quality snapshots of themselves that I give to them, which is good PR for yourself and for photographers in general.

Still, there are times when I kick myself for not having a camera with me and there are times when I get eye-rolls from my family when I do have the camera!

I always have a camera.

Always.

I do have a camera with me a lot, but I deliberately don't take it with me sometimes. Like on a walk with my wife, so that i'm not constantly distracted and only half 'there' all the time. If I miss an opportunity for a good shot, then so be it. It's good to be reminded that you can't have everything ;-) and photography does sometimes seem like an obsession with possessing every possible photogenic moment. Let it go!
Jon

Richard..
The good news is that it is 'you' she wants around for the shopping etc. The bad day would be if she said, "Richard darling, go take pictures today, tomorrow, next week, and don't worry about me, I have a new man friend & he listens to me and thinks I am perfect." Oh yes Richard, I still love you just go go now ...take pictures..I am going to be fine. :)


In the not too distant future maybe they will be able to implant one in your brain or body..and this way she won't suspect you are even taking photos. :)
Or less technologically advanced we could say you already have a camera with you all the time - your eyes - and when you open and close them it is like a shutter releasing and the light imprints on your memory cells and presto Tri-X 400 developed, processed and storied on your hard drive. :)
She seems important to you - so I feel certain you will work it out.
Phyllis

An interesting thread.

My 'ex' never understood why anyone would want to photograph anything other than family / holidays. Our divorce had nothing to do with that but I find my new wife (we married 2 and a half years ago) much more accommodating. She has her hobbies - in which I show an active interest - and she indulges my passion for photography. So much so, that she has just inherited my D300 kit....